


The God-King of Trolls

by sparkly_butthole



Series: Avengers chat transcripts [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Background Loki/Thor, Crack, Domestic Avengers, M/M, No Exposition, Undercover rpf fanfic writers, chat transcripts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:28:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21729823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkly_butthole/pseuds/sparkly_butthole
Summary: Even amongst themselves, there are still surprises.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: Avengers chat transcripts [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1566457
Comments: 14
Kudos: 42





	The God-King of Trolls

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NurseDarry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NurseDarry/gifts).



> Here's my Christmas gift to my lovely friend and beta, NurseDarry. You are lovely and wonderful and I truly don't know what I'd do without you. I hope you get a few laughs from my silliness. ;) 
> 
> Nicknames are from Bucky's phone.
> 
> Bae- Steve  
> Other Bae- Sam  
> Coffee Dawg- Clint  
> Soldier- Bucky  
> Spidey One- Natasha  
> Spidey Two- Spiderman  
> Sarcastic Asshole- Tony  
> Salt- Pepper  
> Rage Monster- Bruce  
> Magic Wanda- Wanda

_ <chat transcript> _

_ <8/7/20> _

**Bae** : Regular meetup this week. Usual time and place. Barton, if you’re not there this week, I’m going to come find you myself.

**Coffee Dawg** : y tho

**Coffee Dawg** : not necessary. We don’t have any baddies right now. Let me sleep in

**Spidey One** : We have training. I’m coming with him if you don’t show up.

**Other Bae** : Why are we still treating Barton like he’s a kid? Man can make his own decisions

**Bae** : Because he’s part of this team.

**Soldier** : Blah blah teamwork something something righteous bullshit I don’t even believe in

**Sarcastic Asshole** : Bucky, you’re such a shit

**Spidey Two** : Can I come this time?

**Sarcastic Asshole** : No.

**Soldier** : I’m pretty sure you’re not one to talk, Stark. You’re the original shit.

**Sarcastic Asshole** : Not even possible, grandpa.

**Spidey Two** : Why did u invite me to the avengers in the first place?

**Spidey One** : Because you’re a trainwreck, kid. Someone’s gotta watch over you.

**Spidey Two** : Yeah but if I’m not with you that means I’m off on my own with no supervision

**Coffee Dawg** : You all know hes right.

**Salt** : Tony

**Sarcastic Asshole** : It’s amazing that I can hear the warning in your voice over chat. For fuck’s sake, yes, you can come this week, provided you shut up and listen to your elders.

**Bae** : Wanda, are you in?

**Coffee Dawg** : Wtf dude, I have to go but she doesn’t?

**Rage Monster** : Consider it like sick leave. You’ve used yours up.

**Spidey Two** : Wait is this always gonna be like a regular workplace? Cuz I wanna be an adult but not like that

**Magic Wanda** : I’ll be there. Sorry I’ve had such a bad week.

**Bae** : Good. If any of you doesn’t show up except in the event of your own death, I swear I will end you.

**Soldier** : You are so not believable, Steve. Give up trying to be a tough guy.

**Bae** : Little boy from Brooklyn’s not so little anymore. I can still pin you.

**Sarcastic Asshole** : FUCK NO you are not flirting over this channel. Get your own room.

**Soldier** : … the fuck, where do you think we are right now?

**Soldier** : Steve doesn’t pin me anyway, he’s just wavin’ his big dick around

**Sarcastic Asshole** : Then FLIRT IN PERSON and leave us out of it. Unless you want me to start in on Pepper.

**Salt** : Fat chance of that.

**Rage Monster** : Told you she’d never go for it.

**Spidey One** : Honestly, you’re all children. It’s not just Clint.

  
  
  
  


_ <chat transcript> _

_ <8/9/20> _

**Sailor Jupiter** : GUYS! I GOT ONE OF THESE PHONE THINGS!!! 

**Bae** : Great! Now I won’t have to shout into the ether and hope you’ll hear me

**Sarcastic Asshole** : Right, because Thor has wifi in space

**Sailor Jupiter** : ASGARD IS NOT IN SPACE AS YOU KNOW IT, STARK.

**Sarcastic Asshole:** Figure of speech, Point Break.

**Soldier:** Ok but why are you so excited about it

**Soldier** : Also Point Break is PERFECT thank you so much Stark

**Sarcastic Asshole** : Why, what did you have him down as?

**Soldier** : Sailor Jupiter

**Point Break** : HOW CAN YOU TELL I’M EXCITED?

**Coffee Dawg** : cuz you’re giving me a headache just *looking* at the texts omfg

**Magic Wanda** : Some of us have our devices read texts to us

**Sarcastic Asshole** : A Sailor Moon fan? You must like fanfiction.

**Point Break** : THAT’S GREAT! YOU WILL HAVE TO SHOW ME SOME DAY

**Sarcastic Asshole** : What everyone means is that you’re shouting.

**Point Break** : I APOLOGIZE, FRIEND. HOW DO I STOP SHOUTING?

**Other Bae** : Do you see the caps lock button?

**Point Break** : NO. THESE BUTTONS ARE VERY TINY.

**Rage Monster** : But you’re typing on them, right?

**Point Break** : YES.

**Rage Monster** : Then how do you know where to type if you can’t see the buttons?

**Point Break** : I REALLY DON’T.

**Sarcastic Asshole** : … Then how are you typing at all?

**Point Break** : I SQUINT AND TRY AND THEN THE WORDS POP UP

**Soldier** : Okay, so squint and try and the words will pop down

**Spidey Two** : For everyone’s sake

**Point Break** : OH, IT’S ON THIS SIDE OF THE KEYBOARD. OH I See it now okay. see you all tomorrow.

**Point Break** : but wait. i can’t get my letters large again. 

**Sarcastic Asshole** : What? Why not?

**Point Break** : my fingers are just too big. 

**Sarcastic Asshole** : How are you typing at all then??

**Point Break** : it’s just at the edge of the keyboard, i keep hitting the x button and closing the window

**Rage Monster:** Well, I guess it’s better stuck small than big

**Coffee Dawg** : yeah well that’s just like, your opinion, man

**Bae** : For him it’s literally true, I hope you realize that.

**Soldier** : Steve, no one wants a lecture, we all know. 

**Coffee Dawg** : Besides, there’s more than one way to take that, if u know what I mean

**Other Bae** : Right but who would want to be stuck small

**Salt** : Some men really have very large penises.

**Sarcastic Asshole** : PEPPER!

**Salt** : Don’t worry, hon, they know I’m not talking about you. 

**Sarcastic Asshole** : PEPPER!!!!

**Point Break** : this is unfair. stark can make his stuff big but i can’t.

**Spidey Two** : They make drugs for that!

**Point Break** : drugs for phone problems? i’m confused

**Bae:** That’s not what he means, he’s being a jerk.

**Point Break:** it’s okay, the man of spiders is in his youth. i take no offense since i could beat him in battle easily

**Coffee Dawg** : I see youre in the land of lazy mans typing, good job Thor

  
  
  
  
  
  


_ <chat transcript> _

_ <8/12/20> _

**Spidey One** : See, Clint? Aren’t you glad we practiced that move? You’d have been on the ground in pieces if we hadn’t.

**Coffee Dawg:** jfc gimme an hour before you start in, I JUST got out of the shower

**Spidey One** : Oh I’m aware.

**Soldier** : O.o

**Soldier:** Dear god no, not Barton.

**Spidey One** : As if. 

**Bae** : I’m glad you were able to come this time, Thor. We’ve missed you.

**Point Break:** THANK YOU FOR INVITING ME. IT HAS BEEN FAR TOO LONG SINCE WE’VE DONE BATTLE TOGETHER, FRIEND.

**Soldier** : You leaving again soon? Could use some of that sweet Asgardian ale after today.

**Point Break:** FOR THREE MORE DAYS, YES. THEN I HAVE TO GO BACK TO ASGARD.

**Soldier** : by the way, I’ve read your stuff, Stark

**Soldier** : Don’t think I’ve forgotten your little crack about fanfiction

**Sarcastic Asshole** : Excuse me, what now?

**Soldier:** You heard me, AsshatClown420. 

**Coffee Dawg:** lol

**Other Bae** : Oh man, please let that be his real username.

**Soldier** : Notice nothing from Stark?

**Salt:** That’s because you were right. Now he’s dying of embarrassment.

**Sarcastic Asshole** : Oh my god, you read my rpf of you and Steve, didn’t you. Oh my god I can never show my face again oh my god

**Point Break** : WHAT IS RPF

**Magic Wanda** : It’s ‘real person fiction’

**Point Break** : SO HE’S WRITING STORIES ABOUT THEM?

**Magic Wanda** : Essentially.

**Sarcastic Asshole** : How the fuck did you find me???

**Soldier:** My best friend is a spy?

**Coffee Dawg** : y’all Natasha is over here smiling like the cat that got the cream

**Soldier** : The spider that caught the fly, more like

**Other Bae** : Might work, cats are also ambush predators

**Bae** : Spiders aren’t exactly ambush predators, Sam.

**Other Bae** : No, but they’re not big dumb tanks like you all. No offense, Banner

**Sarcastic Asshole** : I wish there was some way I could go back in time. Fuck my entire life.

**Point Break** : ARE THE STORIES NOT GOOD?

**Spidey One** : Oh, they’re good. Stark could’ve been a writer if his dad hadn’t loved Steve more than he did him.

**Other Bae** : … 

**Coffee Dawg** : jesus fuck natasha, what did stark ever do to you??

**Sarcastic Asshole** : She’s right though

**Spidey One** : Yeah, no offense meant, that was just an honest assessment.

**Bae** : Well, I can trust you to be honest, if nothing else.

**Point Break** : IF THE STORIES ARE GOOD, WHY IS THAT BAD?

**Sarcastic Asshole** : Because it’s… I can’t even say it

**Soldier** : Why are you writing in all caps again?

**Point Break** : BECAUSE IT’S TOO HARD TO SWITCH BACK AND FORTH AND I LIKE THEM LARGE. THESE DEVICES ARE TINY, LIKE THE REST OF YOU

**Point Break:** SOMEONE PLEASE SAY IT, I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND

**Bae** : It’s because Tony is writing porn of us. Which I’m not too thrilled about.

**Sarcastic Asshole** : Ugh, I’m sorry, Cap.

**Bae** : Not mad at you.

**Bae** : You’re a product of your environment. So are other people who should know better.

**Spidey One** : Uh oh

**Spidey Two** : Uh oh

**Soldier:** fuck that’s me

**Point Break** : PORN? YOU MEAN THEY’RE NAKED?

**Bae** : Yes, that’s you. And yes, we’re naked. I’m assuming. Pornography is strange.

**Soldier** : Lol oh man, I could share your porn with everyone and they’d know the dirty truth about their perfect Captain.

**Point Break:** BUT THAT’S BEAUTIFUL

**Point Break:** TWO WARRIORS COMING TOGETHER IN LOVE SHOULD BE CELEBRATED

**Point Break:** :) 

**Spidey One** : It really is beautiful, though

**Bae** : Do you want to get laid ever again?

**Soldier** : Do you want me to put you over my knee ever again? I know you can’t resist.

**Soldier:** haha he’s blushing, god Steve you’re adorable as hell

**Coffee Dawg:** no no NO natasha no one needs to know, you freaking voyeur

**Spidey One** : You made me the troll I am, Barton. 

**Coffee Dawg** : Shoulda killed you when I had the chance 

**Spidey One** : You love me.

**Sarcastic Asshole** : Flirt on another CHANNEL, already

**Salt** : Don’t mind him, he’s just jealous that you have normal, healthy relationships

**Soldier** : I don’t think it’s normal to say you should’ve killed someone though. Or like, flirt with a married teammate

**Other Bae** : Normal? Not us, man.

**Bae** : Normal?

**Rage Monster** : We left normal behind a long time ago.

**Soldier** : Fuck my LIFE

  
  
  
  


_ <chat transcript> _

_ <8/20/20> _

**Soldier (PM)** : Ok so here’s the deal. You get in touch with Thor IN PERSON and teach him how to use the damn phone

**Bae (PM)** : Or so help us god we’re going to show him your Thorki fics

**Sarcastic Asshole (PM)** : You guys know you could sue me for everything your lawyer could afford and I’d win

**Soldier (PM)** : sure, if you were alive after Thor pounded you into the ground

**Sarcastic Asshole (PM)** : … 

**Sarcastic Asshole (PM)** : You’ve got a good point

**Sarcastic Asshole (PM)** : Though I think I could take him in a fair fight.

**Sarcastic Asshole (PM)** : And there will be no pounding happening, thank you very much.

**Bae (PM)** : A fair fight would be you without a suit and him without a hammer and GOD would I love to see that beatdown

**Sarcastic Asshole (PM)** : Bucky is an awful influence on you, I swear

**Soldier (PM)** : lololol Stark

**Soldier (PM)** : Who the fuck do you think I learned it from??

**Bae (PM)** : Anyway, we know it’s driving you crazy too.

**Sarcastic Asshole (PM)** : You’re right

**Sarcastic Asshole (PM)** : Also I’m fucking glad you guys didn’t accost me in the hallway. I’d have a fear boner by now.

**Soldier (PM)** : Pretty sure you’d have a different kind of boner, given what you’ve written of us

**Bae (PM)** : It was some good writing, I’ll give you that.

**Bae** : I’m old fashioned though, not really into sharing.

**Sarcastic Asshole (PM)** : Too old fashioned to share, but not old fashioned enough to be G A Y. Sure.

**Bae (PM)** : Homosexuality goes back to the dawn of time.

**Soldier (PM)** : So does sharing, Steve. 

**Sarcastic Asshole (PM)** : Ha! 

**Bae (PM)** : … 

**Sarcastic Asshole (PM)** : Yeah yeah, I’ll get him squared away.

**Sarcastic Asshole (PM)** : And by the way, I’m not interested in either of you that way.

**Soldier (PM)** : right, that’s why you wrote hot porn of us

**Sarcastic Asshole (PM)** : When I’ve been in the workshop for 48 hours straight without rest and I need to clear my head, some good porn goes down nicely.

**Sarcastic Asshole (PM)** : Besides, a man can’t be faulted for finding something beautiful

**Sarcastic Asshole (PM)** : And at least I’m not drinking.

**Soldier (PM)** : … oof.

  
  
  
  


_ <Friday recording, Avengers meeting transcript> _

_ <8/23/20> _

**Sarcastic Asshole** : I have a question for everybody before we start. Who here uses talk to text and who types like a Luddite?

**Spidey One:** Casual racism there, wow. I’m shocked.

**Spidey Two** : Depends on what I’m doing.

**Magic Wanda** : Same for me.

**Bae** : Type.

**Soldier:** Same for me.

**Sarcastic Asshole** : You are both such fossils.

**Spidey One** : I’m tired of wasting my breath most of the time. My throat literally hurts from repeating myself.

**Coffee Dawg** : Or maybe it’s the massive amount of dick you suck.

<gasp>

<silence>

**Sarcastic Asshole** : I cannot believe you are still alive right now, Barton.

**Coffee Dawg** : If you think Natasha’s a virgin, you don’t know anything about her.

**Bae** : I may have gotten some tips from her, in fact.

<silence>

**Bae** : I mean we should start this meeting, if that’s all you’ve got, Tony?

<snicker>

**Soldier** : He’s not even blushing. You don’t all think he’s a virgin either, do you?

**Sarcastic Asshole** : Sadly, I still remember the cucumber conversation. Anyway, obviously Barton types because he’s atrocious. 

**Spidey One:** Not just typing. In general. As a human being. 

**Spidey Two** : Wow, you guys are mean to each other.

**Spidey One** : Absolute dumpster fire.

**Sarcastic Asshole** : Right, but the point was, I figured out how to get Thor to stop yelling. 

**Rage Monster** : Teach him voice to text? 

**Sarcastic Asshole** : Ding ding ding! 

**Spidey One** : Good luck with that.

**Spidey Two** : Why do you care so much? It’s pretty much how he talks anyway.

**Magic Wanda** : Why do you think I have a headache half the time? Tony is LOUD. Literally everything annoys him.

**Sarcastic Asshole** : Yes, and so is Thor. So we’re fixing it. 

**Salt** : Something else will just replace it in his mind, Wanda. 

<groan>

**Magic Wanda** : Sadly, I know.

**Spidey One** : Dumpster fire, dumpster fire, dumpster fire.

**Coffee Dawg** : Say it three times fast and you might catch the disease yourself, Nat.

**Spidey One** : Might as well at this point. It’s like venereal crazy around here.

  
  
  
  


_ <chat transcript> _

_ <8/26/20> _

**Point Break** : EXCELLENT WORK IN THE MISSION, MAN OF SPIDERS!

**Coffee Dawg** : ewwww my brain wtf. I thought you guys taught him how to talk instead of yell

**Sarcastic Asshole** : I did. Thor, why are you still in all caps? I showed you this. I know I showed you this.

**Point Break** : IT’S NOT ME. IT’S THE PHONE.

**Sarcastic Asshole** : How?

**Point Break** : IT SENSES MY ENTHUSIASM. 

**Sarcastic Asshole** : That’s not a thing!

**Point Break** : A GOD KING HAS TO LIVE UP TO HIS TITLE.

**Point Break:** DOES FRIDAY NOT RESPOND TO YOUR MOODS AS WELL?

**Sarcastic Asshole** : Yes, but this is a phone. Not even a Stark phone. A dumb phone.

**Soldier** : Well whose fault is that, cheapskate?

**Sarcastic Asshole** : You don’t need top of the line tech for a work chat that’s not even about work any more.

**Other Bae** : Yeah I’m not even sure why I’m on this chat at all.

**Rage Monster** : Who are you and what have you done with the real Tony Stark?

**Magic Wanda** : Ostentatious might as well be your middle name.

**Spidey One** : Pathetic. You mean pathetic. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


_ <chat transcript> _

_ <9/1/20> _

  
  


**Bae (PM):** Real talk here, do you need me to help you with the caps lock issue? I only ask because I had some problems adjusting to technology when I woke up.

**Point Break (PM)** : I appreciate the thought, Captain, but that won’t be necessary.

**Bae (PM)** : You’re typing normally now. Have you figured it out?

**Point Break (PM):** Oh no, I knew how to do it all along.

**Point Break (PM)** : I’m just messing with all of you.

**Bae (PM)** : Wow. I can’t believe I fell for that.

**Soldier (PM)** : Lol Steve, I told you. Should’ve bet you.

**Bae (PM)** : You’d have made any bet about sex though.

**Soldier (PM)** : And you wouldn’t complain.

**Bae (PM)** : You’ve already got me wrapped around your finger, no need to go after my virtue more.

**Point Break (PM)** : You have to remember, I am from somewhere far more advanced than here. Your devices are quaint, and you are all fun to mess with. :) 

**Bae (PM)** : We should talk about why you aren’t sharing some of that with us. We could defend Earth better. 

**Point Break (PM)** : I don’t know if you are aware of a show called Star Trek, but if not, you should watch it. You might understand a bit more.

**Point Break (PM):** Besides that? It’s the human spirit that makes you all so dangerous

**Point Break (PM)** : I’ve never seen a more tenacious species, nor a more tenacious leader than yourself.

**Soldier (PM)** : That’s… way too wholesome for me

**Soldier (PM)** : Also, tenacious is not usually a compliment.

**Bae (PM)** : Well you direct it at me all the time, and if I’m not mistaken, the state of your dick kinda gives away how much you like me.

**Soldier (PM)** : Man, you act like such a stick in the mud around the others. If they only knew.

**Bae (PM)** : Aren’t you the one who told me I needed “big dick energy”?

**Point Break (PM)** : I hope I’m not in the middle of a lover’s quarrel. That wasn’t my intent.

**Soldier (PM)** : Thor, for someone from such an advanced culture, you sure do miss some social cues sometimes.

**Point Break (PM)** : Oh. Oh! Well, much more of Stark’s work makes sense now. I’d thought it rather crude and violent for a love story.

**Bae (PM)** : Well, he’s cleaned up after us, so he’d know.

**Soldier (PM)** : That sweet, sweet post-fight adrenaline rush.

**Point Break (PM)** : If that’s what your love is like, I am happy for you.

**Point Break (PM)** : Thank you for sharing Stark’s info with me. I found his story about Loki and I, by the way. It was lovely.

**Soldier (PM)** : Wait, what?

**Bae (PM)** : What??

**Point Break (PM)** : What?

**Bae (PM)** : I don’t even know where to start with that. All yours, Buck.

**Soldier (PM)** : Uh, so you’re okay with him writing pornography about you and your brother?

**Point Break (PM)** : He’s adopted. And I already told you, it’s fine. On Asgard, such creativity is encouraged. 

**Soldier (PM)** : About real people though?

**Point Break (PM)** : Yes, especially if they’ve been together.

**Bae (PM)** : Wait a second 

**Soldier (PM)** : You were WITH LOKI?

**Point Break (PM)** : When we weren’t with other people.

**Point Break (PM)** : These things are looked upon differently where I come from.

**Soldier (PM)** : I guess he is your half brother.

**Soldier (PM)** : But you ALSO DIDN’T KNOW THAT AT THE TIME OH MY GOD

**Bae (PM)** : Um. 

**Bae (PM)** : Also he’s a mass murderer 

**Point Break (PM)** : I did stop making love with him after I found that out. Though I would love to feel his mouth on me again. Perhaps it’d help heal him, to know I still cared like that.

**Soldier (PM)** : Magical healing cock, I like it

**Bae (PM)** : ANYWAY, are you planning to stop shouting in texts?

**Point Break (PM)** : If you can get your lovely witch a way to read them without giving her a headache? No. I rather like it this way.

**Bae (PM)** : Tony would rather you didn’t. Clint doesn’t like it either, but the others don’t care.

**Bae (PM)** : I’m not a fan, either. I’ve learned to read texts the way people say I should and it’s jarring.

**Bae (PM)** : But you’re a guest warrior and I don’t speak for you

**Soldier (PM)** : He’s not like a guest lecturer, Steve, he’s part of the team.

**Soldier (PM)** : But it drives Stark up the wall.

**Bae (PM)** : So?

**Soldier (PM)** : It *drives Stark up the wall.*

**Bae (PM)** : Yeah. Alright, we can try it.

**Point Break (PM)** : You humans are so petty.

**Point Break (PM)** : I love it.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
